Let Go

I realized today that there is no point. No point tryign to change things. No point trying to fix things. The more you try to fix something thats broken, the more you try to put it back together, the more you get hurt. Sometimes there is nothing left to do. There is nothing left to say. There is no one left to miss. No more tears left to cry, or screams left to scream. You just stop caring, stop waiting, stop missing that one person you couldn't live without. You stop remembering the good times, because they are overpowered by the bad ones that set in. You realize that you are done, they are gone, and you don't want them back. Now, it's time to Let Go. Say good bye or dont, the choice is yours, but it's time to leave. Staying won't fix things, it won't change things, staying will only hurt. The longer you stay, the more scars you will get. It's not the same anymore, things changed, people changed. It's time to leave. Say. Goodbye. And Don't look back. Don't regret it. Don't miss him, don't cry for him, don't look at old photos and reminisce about the past. Just forget. Just erase everything that reminds you of him. Delete pctures. Throw away keepsakes. Let It Go. It's done.

Room to Breathe

I hate those days when there is absolutely no time alone, away from people away from craziness. Those days suck. Not sure if it's just me, but when I spend all week at work with people, some crazy, some kind, some just plain scary, when the weekend comes I can't wait to spend a day just on my own, doing what I feel like doing with no phone calls, no emails that need replies, nothing to worry about, just one day. For me. Is that too much to ask? With my family, yes it is. There is always someone who feels like talking on the phone for 40 minutes, or another person who just cant decide on an outfit for date night and feels the need to pop in and show me every single option they are mulling over. There is no peace. There is no quiet. There is no me time. I've noticed that when this happens, when I am just trying to take some time for ME. On my own, without having to worry about other people; family members, friends, and their problems, I get irritated when the people closest to me can't give me just that. That one thing, a day off from them. Now I wouldn't say I'm antisocial...but I have to admit, too much time with the same people and eventually I just need a break, some room to breathe, a day off from being around them and having to listen to their stories and activities. Sometimes I don't want to talk, or hang out or listen to what they have to say. Sometimes I don't want to hang around them all day just because it's what they want. Sometimes I just want to do what I want. Take just one day, to do me. I still dream about that day. Saturday morning you wake up, no rush, sleep in don't sleep in but it will be up to me. Then go for a drive. A long one. Doesn't matter where, as long I'm driving and I'm alone. This may sound weird, but that is what I dream about. Having a day...goodness even a few hours of just ALONE time. No family, no friends around, just me. The problem is always worrying about hurting and disappointing other people. If I don't answer my phone, my sister might get mad at me. If I don't go to that friends party, she might be hurt, thinking she doesn't matter to me. It's always the worrying about other peoples feelings that sets us back. We do what we do to make others happy. We do what we do not to please ourselves, but to ensure that those around us are satisfied, with all their needs met. Some people will call that selfless, because we put others needs before our own. But if you look at it the other way, we are still being selfish. In being selfless and doing everything for others, we are being "selfish" towards ourselves. We are not giving ourselves what we need or desire because of our worry of how it will affect those around us. Our lives are our own, and speaking for myself, I feel like a lot of the time I'm not living it for me, I'm living it to please those around me. At the end of the day, I think we all need to learn to do what is best for us, no matter what that is and how it affects those around us. Yes we love them, yes they are important to us. But in the end, if we spend our whole life pleasing others, we may never find true happiness. We may never be fully satisfied with how our life turned out, we will always be held back. I will try, to tell people when I need space, whether it upsets them or not. Because love them or not, sometimes I really do need some time away from the people in my life, even if for a day. Time to find myself, to reflect, and room to breathe away from it all.

-N

Craziness of Life

I just recently remembered about this blog I had started up a year or so enough, and amazingly enough when I came to the blogger website, I still remembered my password. Accomplishment of the day I'd say. Life has been crazy, to say the least. With work, college and all the other little ups and downs of life, I rarely have anytime to just sit back and reflect on what's going on and where I'm heading. Associates Degree, CHECK. Moving on...to what? Still not sure. do I pursue what I want most in life, even if i'm not sure I can afford it? Or do I stay stuck and just continue with the same routine, same thing, day in and day out. The idea of living for the next 30 years or so, getting up every morning to go to the same job, in the same place, in the same city that I have lived in since i was 3, makes me feel a little boxed in. I would love to just quit my job, pack up my belongings, and get on the road. Who cares where I go, as long as I'm going somewhere, anywhere where I can experience something new, something out of the ordinary. But as adults, we have to learn to push aside that desire to drop everything and go, jus tto leave, just to be with ourselves, on our own, away from the craziness of our daily lives. I wish it was easier. I wish that when things get to be too much and we just need to get away, that we could do that. Just take our things, and leave. Not forever, but for a day, maybe a week, maybe a year. I wish it were up to us, and not our careers or our families. Maybe someday I will be able to venture out of the rut, and travel, get out of the city I've been in almost all my life, and see the world. Maybe it soundsl like a cliche, but the truth is, I have been nowhere, I have done nothing, nothing that counts anyways, and that is sad.

For today, the best thing I can do is wake up, get to work, and get ready to take on the day with a smile. That's all anyone can do. No matter whats going on in our lives, no matter the craziness and business of it, living it with a smile helps us, as well as those around us. And not matter what comes our way, one thing I think everyone needs to remember is that no matter what is going on in life, my life or yours, eventually things will change. Nothing will stay the same. When things are going good, they eventually go bad, when things are going bad they eventually get better, its an up and down roller coaster, so one think that we can be confident in, is that we won't be staying down for long. And in the midst of the craziness, in the midst of all the things that we have to do in our daily lives, the responsibilities, the bills, the long hours at work. Lets not forget about ourselves. Take a minutes. Take five. Take an hour. But make some time for YOU. Take a nap, go for a run, listen to some music, reminisce about your childhood, whatever you choose to do in that time, do it for you and no one else... After all, you are stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, no getting rid of you, so keep yourself happy, no matter what it takes.  DON'T FORGET TO SMILE!

-N

The beauty of being Alone...

I have not been single since 2009, when I met my now boyfriend and we slowly but surely began to get to know each other and fall in love. The term "falling in love" irritates me because you're not exactly falling when you realize you love a person. You're actually probably feeling quite great. He or she puts a smile on your face everyday and you love all the cute things they do that may annoy others, but that you just love seeing. The falling comes afterwards. The falling comes when you realize that what you once had with this person you have given your life to, is gone, and will never be back. The falling comes when you realize that you now spend more time crying then you do laughing and smiling. The falling comes when you realize that the excitement, the butterflies that you once got at the sound of his voice and when he held you tight, is all gone. The falling comes at the end, when you know there is nowhere left to go but down, and that there is nothing left to do but say goodbye.

My problem is that I have been saying goodbye to the love of my life for the last year and a half. I know he's no good for me, he doesn't care about my happiness and my wellbeing and I am miserable with him most of the time. But for some reason I cannot leave. There is something holding me back. And no matter how hard I try, there doesn't seem to be a way to get out of this twisted relationship.

I am afraid to be alone. There, I said it. For the last two years, I have always had someone, to call my own. Someone I could call to talk to, when he would answer of course...Someone I knew would kiss me and hold me tight next time we saw each other. Someone who would keep me warm, and feeling safe, even if just for the few hours we spend together. This is what I have been afraid to say goodbye too. The little things that come with being in a relationship.

Things between us have been horrible. It's one fight after another, with barely a day or two of peace in between them. It's threats of leaving and hugs and kisses promising we'll stay and try to work it out. It's hurtful words that make me cry, and actions that we will both later regret. This is what out relationshipi has turned into.

I know it's time to leave. I need to say goodbye to the person I love the most, but who has hurt me more then I have ever allowed anyone to hurt me in my entire life. I gave it my all, but that wasn't enough. Some things are just better left broken, because fixing them costs more then a person can possibly pay. I need to walk away from this. I need to leave it all behind...and find the beauty in all of this.

The beauty of being Alone.

To Your Face

I,

I'm going to tell you everything here that I have been to afraid to tell you to your face, in the last two years we've been seeing each other. Things started out so wonderfully, we met, exchanged email addresses, slowly got to know each other and quickly fell in love. Then came the dates, late night walks at the docks, long conversations about life, and random things, as well as the hugs and kisses that kept me warm all through the night. A day didn't go by where you didn't manage to put a smile on my face, make me laugh, and make me feel so wanted, needed and loved that nothing could bring me down. I knew I was in love, I knew you loved me, and NOTHING could bring me down...

But as I have grown older, and the further on we get in this relationship of ours, I have realized that the one person who brought you up is also the only one most capable of bringing you down, and that is exactly what you did.

Our first year was fantastic. It was a fairytale...My very own fairytale that I thought would never end. But then things changed. To this day I believe things changed because I gave something to you that I had never given to another man before, something that I will never get back, and something that I honestly don't regret having given to you...I'm glad you were the first. But I realize now, that once that was attained, the thrill for you was gone... No more good mornings texts, no more calls at random times throughout the day, just to say hi because you were missing me. No more surprise visits at my work, that put a smile on my face like a big idiot and helped me survive the remaining hours of my shift...all of the things that had once made me so happy were gone. All that was left was you...me...and all the memories I had of how things used to be.

When I tried talking to you, telling you I wasn't happy, explaining to you that we weren't the way we used to be and that I wanted us to go back, you got angry with me, yelled at me telling me you had no idea what I was talking about, that things were perfectly fine. But they weren't.

I stopped receiving those good morning texts. That may have seemed like such a minor thing to you...but to me, it meant the world to wake up every single morning, knowing that my baby was already up and at work and had taken the timem to think of me and send a quick note. The phone calls stopped as well, the only time I received one was when absolutely necessary...but I no longer recieved calls from you just because....because you missed me...because you wanted to hear my voice....because you wanted to know how my day was going....all that was gone.

When I tried to talk to you about it, you told me that time changes people, that we have matured and don't have as much time to text or call each other because of work, family, friends etc. But I never agreed with that, not then and not now. If you care about somebody you don't want to go a day without at least hearing there voice, knowing that they are ok and happy. You didn't care about my happiness or my wellbeing. It was all about you.

We started fighting more and more. Our fights would last several days, we would make up, agree to forget about whatever it was we were fighting about(normally your lack of desire to speak with me), be alright for a day or two and then fall into another fight, usually over the same exact thing. Things never really changed...although we both made promises, but they were promises we never kept.

What hurt me the most, and what still hurts to this day is that you never listened to me. When i tried explaining how much pain I was in because you had become a stranger, you would get angry at me, saying it's my fault because i say stupid shit that makes you mad...but I never said stupid things to you. I just told you my feelings, which you yourself decided to label as stupid. I have never been able to forgive you for that. You made me feel worthless, like what I wanted and what I needed didn't matter. And I became content with that..

I stopped arguing with you. Stopped telling you that I was hurting. Stopped trying to change things and make things better so we could both be happy. Instead, I ended up changing myself so that YOU would be happy, and I hate myself for that. I was never the kind of girl who relied upon someone else, whose life revolved around another person to the point where there was no life without that person...but I became that girl with you. You would be too "busy" to talk most days, I would just sit patiently and wait. You would never take me out anywhere that might maybe, just maybe, take a few bucks out of that precious wallet of yours...I just reminded myself that it didn't matter where we were and what we were doing as long as we were together.

I loved you to the point where I stopped caring about everything else in my life. My job, my family, my friends, my education, it all took a backseat to you...you were my main priority, you were my love. But to you I was nothing. It saddens me to thing of the person I became those years. I let myself become someone to be walked on, used, discarded, then called back again as the need arises. I became your doormat, I became the dirt upon which you walked, and I can't blame you for all of it because I let that happen. Instead of saying "enough is enough" and walking away before I became this pathetic pitiful loser, I stayed, and continued loving you and giving you my all while getting nothing in return.

I'm sad to say that I am still here. Still with you. Still loving you with every fiber of my being while you act almost like a complete stranger to me. I have asked you numerous times if you want to break up. I have told you that I feel you're already gone and just wish you would tell me so I could be gone too. But you tell me that of course you want to be with me, that you don't understand what my problem is. Everytime I attempt to tell you how lost I am, how far gone I am, you push my feelings aside, discard them as though they mean nothing. And maybe you are right, maybe my feelings don't matter, maybe i'm just a stupid girl who fell in love with your smile and brown eyes, and stupidly believed all the lies you had fed her from the start.

All I know is that I need to leave. But everytime I try, everytime I tell you I am leaving, you find a way to get me to stay. Guilt me into staying, make me regret the decision that I had been so completely confident in just five minutes ago. True be told, I don't think I will ever be able to leave you. No matter how messed up our relationship is. No matter how sick it makes me, both physically and emotionally. No matter how much life it drains out of me and how unhappy it makes me, I love you more then anything and until you decide to set me free, I am yours whether I like it or not.

It kills me to know, that I am not my own anymore.

I am a prisoner.

You have taken my heart captive, and delight in that every day.

You won, Congratulations.

N.

Hate

I hate myself for trusting you. I hate myself for loving you. I hate myself for believing all the lies you told me. I hate myself for being so hurt because of you. I hate you for making me this way. Love comes around only once in a lifetime, and I wasted all my love on you. The way I loved you, the way I gave myself to you, I will never be able to do it again. I gave you my all, and you trampled on me, left me for dead and just walked away. I hate you. The things that are now in my past kill me. Remembering all the things we went through together, all the promises you made and never kept, everytime I think about it, it's like i'm dying again. And you don't even care. You left. You're gone. You're not coming back. And the truth of the matter is, even though you said you loved me, said you cared and that you would always be there for me, you never really cared. To you it was just a game, to see if you could get what you wanted. And you got it. Now you're gone. And I realize that reminicsing and remembering all the things of the past are only making it more painful, but it's not something I can stop. We have been every in this town together, we have talked about everything there is to talk about with each other, and every single thing around me, everything I see, everything I hear, everything I smell and everything I touch reminds me of you. Try as hard as I may, your not going away from my memory. You were my first love, and you will be my last. To trust again after being hurt so deeply and so roughly, is impossible. To ever think that another human being might possibly be telling me the truth is something will never again let myself do. Thanks to you, everyone around me, be it friend or foe, is a liar in my eyes. Nobody to trust. Nobody to turn to. It's just me, on my own. All I want is to be alone. To be able to cry without having to explain myself, be able to scream without people thinking I am insane, to be able to just let out all this pain on the inside. But that is not something I can do. There are to many people around, watching, listening, waiting. My life is not my own. My life is everybody's but my own. I don't do what I want or what I need, I do what is expected or required. I hate this life. I hate this world. I hate you.

Emo?

I have never understood emo people. Those that listen to rock music on their ipod, wear all black plus make-up, get durnk and high every chance they get and cut themselves to feel something. Now I realize that until you get your heart broken so severely that it will never be able to heal again, it's impossible to understand these people. I have been one of the mean ones that looks at them and thinks about how stupid they are and how ridiculous it is that they do that just because they are sad about who knows what. But after having my heart broken by the person that i trusted, the person that I made my everything and gave all of myself to, then I realized I am just like them...I am Emo. This does not mean emo people are depressed, or bipolar, or messed up. It just means that something happened in their lives that caused them to look at things differently, to trust people less, and to realize that in this life they can only rely on themselves. Now I am coming to understand more and more the things i once found strange and stupid. For example, the loud rock music on your Ipod. What's so appealing about? Well jst the fact that if you put it on loud enough and unplug yourself from the world well enough, it's quite possible to forget about everything that's causing you pain, everything that is hurting you and leaving scars. It's also a way for you to avoid speaking to the annoying nagging people that you have no choice but to deal with on a daily basis. At least with your headphones on, and blasting up loud enough for them to hear, they may hopefully, eventually take the hint that you don't want to talk, and leave you alone. And as a person who has been hurt, made a fool of, and scarred, all you want is just that...to be left alone.The next thing many people have a hard time understanding is the heavy, black makeup. Personally I don't understand that either. In my opinion if you're hurting and dying slowly inside, you don't want to wear black makeup, because then when you can't hold back the tears, black ink running down your face is really noticable, making it hard for you to be able to just let go and cry. But from another few point the black makeup is like a mask, putting on a face, something you're not, but something you pretend to be for the people around you so they can't see the real you. The lost, hurt, scared, and dying person on the inside, is hidden behind the black makeup and the bangs. Hidden away from all people, so noone ever finds out just how bad things are for you. Then there's the cutting. I have always thought people that cut themselves are ridiculous. Insane. Mentaly NOT OK. But now i've come to realize that maybe they got something smart going with it. When you have been hurt to the point where you just don't care about anything anymore...it's really scary. You come to realize that you don't care about anyone or anything, and that life is just flying by you and you can't seem to move to get anywhere. When you cut yourself, you feel pain, and for a split-second you know you're alive, because if you weren't you wouldn't be feeling the pain. The lasting affect of the cutting is also very appealing. Just as the thing that has made you this way, dead on the inside, has left you with scars all over your insides...the cuts you make also leaves scars, but they are on the outside. These serve as reminders to never make the same mistakes again. To never trust. To never love. To never give yourself to a person just to be stabbed in the back and walked all over by them. To never expect anything but the worst from all people, because that is what they always give you. These scars remind you that this life is an anarchy, each man for himself. And if you make the mistake of caring for someone more then yourself...you're screwing yourself over and setting yourself up for a life of pain and hurt. Most importantly to all of us sad people is the rain. Rain is our best friend. Walking in the rain, with our music blasting through our headphones, our minds as blank as we can possibly force it to become, and the tears streaming down our face. The only good thing about it? The rain hides the tears...so that just for a second we can let go and cry...without anyone knowing.