Hate

I hate myself for trusting you. I hate myself for loving you. I hate myself for believing all the lies you told me. I hate myself for being so hurt because of you. I hate you for making me this way. Love comes around only once in a lifetime, and I wasted all my love on you. The way I loved you, the way I gave myself to you, I will never be able to do it again. I gave you my all, and you trampled on me, left me for dead and just walked away. I hate you. The things that are now in my past kill me. Remembering all the things we went through together, all the promises you made and never kept, everytime I think about it, it's like i'm dying again. And you don't even care. You left. You're gone. You're not coming back. And the truth of the matter is, even though you said you loved me, said you cared and that you would always be there for me, you never really cared. To you it was just a game, to see if you could get what you wanted. And you got it. Now you're gone. And I realize that reminicsing and remembering all the things of the past are only making it more painful, but it's not something I can stop. We have been every in this town together, we have talked about everything there is to talk about with each other, and every single thing around me, everything I see, everything I hear, everything I smell and everything I touch reminds me of you. Try as hard as I may, your not going away from my memory. You were my first love, and you will be my last. To trust again after being hurt so deeply and so roughly, is impossible. To ever think that another human being might possibly be telling me the truth is something will never again let myself do. Thanks to you, everyone around me, be it friend or foe, is a liar in my eyes. Nobody to trust. Nobody to turn to. It's just me, on my own. All I want is to be alone. To be able to cry without having to explain myself, be able to scream without people thinking I am insane, to be able to just let out all this pain on the inside. But that is not something I can do. There are to many people around, watching, listening, waiting. My life is not my own. My life is everybody's but my own. I don't do what I want or what I need, I do what is expected or required. I hate this life. I hate this world. I hate you.