To Your Face

I,

I'm going to tell you everything here that I have been to afraid to tell you to your face, in the last two years we've been seeing each other. Things started out so wonderfully, we met, exchanged email addresses, slowly got to know each other and quickly fell in love. Then came the dates, late night walks at the docks, long conversations about life, and random things, as well as the hugs and kisses that kept me warm all through the night. A day didn't go by where you didn't manage to put a smile on my face, make me laugh, and make me feel so wanted, needed and loved that nothing could bring me down. I knew I was in love, I knew you loved me, and NOTHING could bring me down...

But as I have grown older, and the further on we get in this relationship of ours, I have realized that the one person who brought you up is also the only one most capable of bringing you down, and that is exactly what you did.

Our first year was fantastic. It was a fairytale...My very own fairytale that I thought would never end. But then things changed. To this day I believe things changed because I gave something to you that I had never given to another man before, something that I will never get back, and something that I honestly don't regret having given to you...I'm glad you were the first. But I realize now, that once that was attained, the thrill for you was gone... No more good mornings texts, no more calls at random times throughout the day, just to say hi because you were missing me. No more surprise visits at my work, that put a smile on my face like a big idiot and helped me survive the remaining hours of my shift...all of the things that had once made me so happy were gone. All that was left was you...me...and all the memories I had of how things used to be.

When I tried talking to you, telling you I wasn't happy, explaining to you that we weren't the way we used to be and that I wanted us to go back, you got angry with me, yelled at me telling me you had no idea what I was talking about, that things were perfectly fine. But they weren't.

I stopped receiving those good morning texts. That may have seemed like such a minor thing to you...but to me, it meant the world to wake up every single morning, knowing that my baby was already up and at work and had taken the timem to think of me and send a quick note. The phone calls stopped as well, the only time I received one was when absolutely necessary...but I no longer recieved calls from you just because....because you missed me...because you wanted to hear my voice....because you wanted to know how my day was going....all that was gone.

When I tried to talk to you about it, you told me that time changes people, that we have matured and don't have as much time to text or call each other because of work, family, friends etc. But I never agreed with that, not then and not now. If you care about somebody you don't want to go a day without at least hearing there voice, knowing that they are ok and happy. You didn't care about my happiness or my wellbeing. It was all about you.

We started fighting more and more. Our fights would last several days, we would make up, agree to forget about whatever it was we were fighting about(normally your lack of desire to speak with me), be alright for a day or two and then fall into another fight, usually over the same exact thing. Things never really changed...although we both made promises, but they were promises we never kept.

What hurt me the most, and what still hurts to this day is that you never listened to me. When i tried explaining how much pain I was in because you had become a stranger, you would get angry at me, saying it's my fault because i say stupid shit that makes you mad...but I never said stupid things to you. I just told you my feelings, which you yourself decided to label as stupid. I have never been able to forgive you for that. You made me feel worthless, like what I wanted and what I needed didn't matter. And I became content with that..

I stopped arguing with you. Stopped telling you that I was hurting. Stopped trying to change things and make things better so we could both be happy. Instead, I ended up changing myself so that YOU would be happy, and I hate myself for that. I was never the kind of girl who relied upon someone else, whose life revolved around another person to the point where there was no life without that person...but I became that girl with you. You would be too "busy" to talk most days, I would just sit patiently and wait. You would never take me out anywhere that might maybe, just maybe, take a few bucks out of that precious wallet of yours...I just reminded myself that it didn't matter where we were and what we were doing as long as we were together.

I loved you to the point where I stopped caring about everything else in my life. My job, my family, my friends, my education, it all took a backseat to you...you were my main priority, you were my love. But to you I was nothing. It saddens me to thing of the person I became those years. I let myself become someone to be walked on, used, discarded, then called back again as the need arises. I became your doormat, I became the dirt upon which you walked, and I can't blame you for all of it because I let that happen. Instead of saying "enough is enough" and walking away before I became this pathetic pitiful loser, I stayed, and continued loving you and giving you my all while getting nothing in return.

I'm sad to say that I am still here. Still with you. Still loving you with every fiber of my being while you act almost like a complete stranger to me. I have asked you numerous times if you want to break up. I have told you that I feel you're already gone and just wish you would tell me so I could be gone too. But you tell me that of course you want to be with me, that you don't understand what my problem is. Everytime I attempt to tell you how lost I am, how far gone I am, you push my feelings aside, discard them as though they mean nothing. And maybe you are right, maybe my feelings don't matter, maybe i'm just a stupid girl who fell in love with your smile and brown eyes, and stupidly believed all the lies you had fed her from the start.

All I know is that I need to leave. But everytime I try, everytime I tell you I am leaving, you find a way to get me to stay. Guilt me into staying, make me regret the decision that I had been so completely confident in just five minutes ago. True be told, I don't think I will ever be able to leave you. No matter how messed up our relationship is. No matter how sick it makes me, both physically and emotionally. No matter how much life it drains out of me and how unhappy it makes me, I love you more then anything and until you decide to set me free, I am yours whether I like it or not.

It kills me to know, that I am not my own anymore.

I am a prisoner.

You have taken my heart captive, and delight in that every day.

You won, Congratulations.

N.