I have not been single since 2009, when I met my now boyfriend and we slowly but surely began to get to know each other and fall in love. The term "falling in love" irritates me because you're not exactly falling when you realize you love a person. You're actually probably feeling quite great. He or she puts a smile on your face everyday and you love all the cute things they do that may annoy others, but that you just love seeing. The falling comes afterwards. The falling comes when you realize that what you once had with this person you have given your life to, is gone, and will never be back. The falling comes when you realize that you now spend more time crying then you do laughing and smiling. The falling comes when you realize that the excitement, the butterflies that you once got at the sound of his voice and when he held you tight, is all gone. The falling comes at the end, when you know there is nowhere left to go but down, and that there is nothing left to do but say goodbye.
My problem is that I have been saying goodbye to the love of my life for the last year and a half. I know he's no good for me, he doesn't care about my happiness and my wellbeing and I am miserable with him most of the time. But for some reason I cannot leave. There is something holding me back. And no matter how hard I try, there doesn't seem to be a way to get out of this twisted relationship.
I am afraid to be alone. There, I said it. For the last two years, I have always had someone, to call my own. Someone I could call to talk to, when he would answer of course...Someone I knew would kiss me and hold me tight next time we saw each other. Someone who would keep me warm, and feeling safe, even if just for the few hours we spend together. This is what I have been afraid to say goodbye too. The little things that come with being in a relationship.
Things between us have been horrible. It's one fight after another, with barely a day or two of peace in between them. It's threats of leaving and hugs and kisses promising we'll stay and try to work it out. It's hurtful words that make me cry, and actions that we will both later regret. This is what out relationshipi has turned into.
I know it's time to leave. I need to say goodbye to the person I love the most, but who has hurt me more then I have ever allowed anyone to hurt me in my entire life. I gave it my all, but that wasn't enough. Some things are just better left broken, because fixing them costs more then a person can possibly pay. I need to walk away from this. I need to leave it all behind...and find the beauty in all of this.
The beauty of being Alone.
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