Room to Breathe

I hate those days when there is absolutely no time alone, away from people away from craziness. Those days suck. Not sure if it's just me, but when I spend all week at work with people, some crazy, some kind, some just plain scary, when the weekend comes I can't wait to spend a day just on my own, doing what I feel like doing with no phone calls, no emails that need replies, nothing to worry about, just one day. For me. Is that too much to ask? With my family, yes it is. There is always someone who feels like talking on the phone for 40 minutes, or another person who just cant decide on an outfit for date night and feels the need to pop in and show me every single option they are mulling over. There is no peace. There is no quiet. There is no me time. I've noticed that when this happens, when I am just trying to take some time for ME. On my own, without having to worry about other people; family members, friends, and their problems, I get irritated when the people closest to me can't give me just that. That one thing, a day off from them. Now I wouldn't say I'm antisocial...but I have to admit, too much time with the same people and eventually I just need a break, some room to breathe, a day off from being around them and having to listen to their stories and activities. Sometimes I don't want to talk, or hang out or listen to what they have to say. Sometimes I don't want to hang around them all day just because it's what they want. Sometimes I just want to do what I want. Take just one day, to do me. I still dream about that day. Saturday morning you wake up, no rush, sleep in don't sleep in but it will be up to me. Then go for a drive. A long one. Doesn't matter where, as long I'm driving and I'm alone. This may sound weird, but that is what I dream about. Having a day...goodness even a few hours of just ALONE time. No family, no friends around, just me. The problem is always worrying about hurting and disappointing other people. If I don't answer my phone, my sister might get mad at me. If I don't go to that friends party, she might be hurt, thinking she doesn't matter to me. It's always the worrying about other peoples feelings that sets us back. We do what we do to make others happy. We do what we do not to please ourselves, but to ensure that those around us are satisfied, with all their needs met. Some people will call that selfless, because we put others needs before our own. But if you look at it the other way, we are still being selfish. In being selfless and doing everything for others, we are being "selfish" towards ourselves. We are not giving ourselves what we need or desire because of our worry of how it will affect those around us. Our lives are our own, and speaking for myself, I feel like a lot of the time I'm not living it for me, I'm living it to please those around me. At the end of the day, I think we all need to learn to do what is best for us, no matter what that is and how it affects those around us. Yes we love them, yes they are important to us. But in the end, if we spend our whole life pleasing others, we may never find true happiness. We may never be fully satisfied with how our life turned out, we will always be held back. I will try, to tell people when I need space, whether it upsets them or not. Because love them or not, sometimes I really do need some time away from the people in my life, even if for a day. Time to find myself, to reflect, and room to breathe away from it all.

-N