Friday, November 16, 2012
Let Go
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Room to Breathe
I hate those days when there is absolutely no time alone, away from people away from craziness. Those days suck. Not sure if it's just me, but when I spend all week at work with people, some crazy, some kind, some just plain scary, when the weekend comes I can't wait to spend a day just on my own, doing what I feel like doing with no phone calls, no emails that need replies, nothing to worry about, just one day. For me. Is that too much to ask? With my family, yes it is. There is always someone who feels like talking on the phone for 40 minutes, or another person who just cant decide on an outfit for date night and feels the need to pop in and show me every single option they are mulling over. There is no peace. There is no quiet. There is no me time. I've noticed that when this happens, when I am just trying to take some time for ME. On my own, without having to worry about other people; family members, friends, and their problems, I get irritated when the people closest to me can't give me just that. That one thing, a day off from them. Now I wouldn't say I'm antisocial...but I have to admit, too much time with the same people and eventually I just need a break, some room to breathe, a day off from being around them and having to listen to their stories and activities. Sometimes I don't want to talk, or hang out or listen to what they have to say. Sometimes I don't want to hang around them all day just because it's what they want. Sometimes I just want to do what I want. Take just one day, to do me. I still dream about that day. Saturday morning you wake up, no rush, sleep in don't sleep in but it will be up to me. Then go for a drive. A long one. Doesn't matter where, as long I'm driving and I'm alone. This may sound weird, but that is what I dream about. Having a day...goodness even a few hours of just ALONE time. No family, no friends around, just me. The problem is always worrying about hurting and disappointing other people. If I don't answer my phone, my sister might get mad at me. If I don't go to that friends party, she might be hurt, thinking she doesn't matter to me. It's always the worrying about other peoples feelings that sets us back. We do what we do to make others happy. We do what we do not to please ourselves, but to ensure that those around us are satisfied, with all their needs met. Some people will call that selfless, because we put others needs before our own. But if you look at it the other way, we are still being selfish. In being selfless and doing everything for others, we are being "selfish" towards ourselves. We are not giving ourselves what we need or desire because of our worry of how it will affect those around us. Our lives are our own, and speaking for myself, I feel like a lot of the time I'm not living it for me, I'm living it to please those around me. At the end of the day, I think we all need to learn to do what is best for us, no matter what that is and how it affects those around us. Yes we love them, yes they are important to us. But in the end, if we spend our whole life pleasing others, we may never find true happiness. We may never be fully satisfied with how our life turned out, we will always be held back. I will try, to tell people when I need space, whether it upsets them or not. Because love them or not, sometimes I really do need some time away from the people in my life, even if for a day. Time to find myself, to reflect, and room to breathe away from it all.
-N
Friday, October 26, 2012
Craziness of Life
I just recently remembered about this blog I had started up a year or so enough, and amazingly enough when I came to the blogger website, I still remembered my password. Accomplishment of the day I'd say. Life has been crazy, to say the least. With work, college and all the other little ups and downs of life, I rarely have anytime to just sit back and reflect on what's going on and where I'm heading. Associates Degree, CHECK. Moving on...to what? Still not sure. do I pursue what I want most in life, even if i'm not sure I can afford it? Or do I stay stuck and just continue with the same routine, same thing, day in and day out. The idea of living for the next 30 years or so, getting up every morning to go to the same job, in the same place, in the same city that I have lived in since i was 3, makes me feel a little boxed in. I would love to just quit my job, pack up my belongings, and get on the road. Who cares where I go, as long as I'm going somewhere, anywhere where I can experience something new, something out of the ordinary. But as adults, we have to learn to push aside that desire to drop everything and go, jus tto leave, just to be with ourselves, on our own, away from the craziness of our daily lives. I wish it was easier. I wish that when things get to be too much and we just need to get away, that we could do that. Just take our things, and leave. Not forever, but for a day, maybe a week, maybe a year. I wish it were up to us, and not our careers or our families. Maybe someday I will be able to venture out of the rut, and travel, get out of the city I've been in almost all my life, and see the world. Maybe it soundsl like a cliche, but the truth is, I have been nowhere, I have done nothing, nothing that counts anyways, and that is sad.
For today, the best thing I can do is wake up, get to work, and get ready to take on the day with a smile. That's all anyone can do. No matter whats going on in our lives, no matter the craziness and business of it, living it with a smile helps us, as well as those around us. And not matter what comes our way, one thing I think everyone needs to remember is that no matter what is going on in life, my life or yours, eventually things will change. Nothing will stay the same. When things are going good, they eventually go bad, when things are going bad they eventually get better, its an up and down roller coaster, so one think that we can be confident in, is that we won't be staying down for long. And in the midst of the craziness, in the midst of all the things that we have to do in our daily lives, the responsibilities, the bills, the long hours at work. Lets not forget about ourselves. Take a minutes. Take five. Take an hour. But make some time for YOU. Take a nap, go for a run, listen to some music, reminisce about your childhood, whatever you choose to do in that time, do it for you and no one else... After all, you are stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, no getting rid of you, so keep yourself happy, no matter what it takes. DON'T FORGET TO SMILE!
-N
For today, the best thing I can do is wake up, get to work, and get ready to take on the day with a smile. That's all anyone can do. No matter whats going on in our lives, no matter the craziness and business of it, living it with a smile helps us, as well as those around us. And not matter what comes our way, one thing I think everyone needs to remember is that no matter what is going on in life, my life or yours, eventually things will change. Nothing will stay the same. When things are going good, they eventually go bad, when things are going bad they eventually get better, its an up and down roller coaster, so one think that we can be confident in, is that we won't be staying down for long. And in the midst of the craziness, in the midst of all the things that we have to do in our daily lives, the responsibilities, the bills, the long hours at work. Lets not forget about ourselves. Take a minutes. Take five. Take an hour. But make some time for YOU. Take a nap, go for a run, listen to some music, reminisce about your childhood, whatever you choose to do in that time, do it for you and no one else... After all, you are stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, no getting rid of you, so keep yourself happy, no matter what it takes. DON'T FORGET TO SMILE!
-N
Sunday, March 4, 2012
The beauty of being Alone...
I have not been single since 2009, when I met my now boyfriend and we slowly but surely began to get to know each other and fall in love. The term "falling in love" irritates me because you're not exactly falling when you realize you love a person. You're actually probably feeling quite great. He or she puts a smile on your face everyday and you love all the cute things they do that may annoy others, but that you just love seeing. The falling comes afterwards. The falling comes when you realize that what you once had with this person you have given your life to, is gone, and will never be back. The falling comes when you realize that you now spend more time crying then you do laughing and smiling. The falling comes when you realize that the excitement, the butterflies that you once got at the sound of his voice and when he held you tight, is all gone. The falling comes at the end, when you know there is nowhere left to go but down, and that there is nothing left to do but say goodbye.
My problem is that I have been saying goodbye to the love of my life for the last year and a half. I know he's no good for me, he doesn't care about my happiness and my wellbeing and I am miserable with him most of the time. But for some reason I cannot leave. There is something holding me back. And no matter how hard I try, there doesn't seem to be a way to get out of this twisted relationship.
I am afraid to be alone. There, I said it. For the last two years, I have always had someone, to call my own. Someone I could call to talk to, when he would answer of course...Someone I knew would kiss me and hold me tight next time we saw each other. Someone who would keep me warm, and feeling safe, even if just for the few hours we spend together. This is what I have been afraid to say goodbye too. The little things that come with being in a relationship.
Things between us have been horrible. It's one fight after another, with barely a day or two of peace in between them. It's threats of leaving and hugs and kisses promising we'll stay and try to work it out. It's hurtful words that make me cry, and actions that we will both later regret. This is what out relationshipi has turned into.
I know it's time to leave. I need to say goodbye to the person I love the most, but who has hurt me more then I have ever allowed anyone to hurt me in my entire life. I gave it my all, but that wasn't enough. Some things are just better left broken, because fixing them costs more then a person can possibly pay. I need to walk away from this. I need to leave it all behind...and find the beauty in all of this.
The beauty of being Alone.
My problem is that I have been saying goodbye to the love of my life for the last year and a half. I know he's no good for me, he doesn't care about my happiness and my wellbeing and I am miserable with him most of the time. But for some reason I cannot leave. There is something holding me back. And no matter how hard I try, there doesn't seem to be a way to get out of this twisted relationship.
I am afraid to be alone. There, I said it. For the last two years, I have always had someone, to call my own. Someone I could call to talk to, when he would answer of course...Someone I knew would kiss me and hold me tight next time we saw each other. Someone who would keep me warm, and feeling safe, even if just for the few hours we spend together. This is what I have been afraid to say goodbye too. The little things that come with being in a relationship.
Things between us have been horrible. It's one fight after another, with barely a day or two of peace in between them. It's threats of leaving and hugs and kisses promising we'll stay and try to work it out. It's hurtful words that make me cry, and actions that we will both later regret. This is what out relationshipi has turned into.
I know it's time to leave. I need to say goodbye to the person I love the most, but who has hurt me more then I have ever allowed anyone to hurt me in my entire life. I gave it my all, but that wasn't enough. Some things are just better left broken, because fixing them costs more then a person can possibly pay. I need to walk away from this. I need to leave it all behind...and find the beauty in all of this.
The beauty of being Alone.
To Your Face
I,
I'm going to tell you everything here that I have been to afraid to tell you to your face, in the last two years we've been seeing each other. Things started out so wonderfully, we met, exchanged email addresses, slowly got to know each other and quickly fell in love. Then came the dates, late night walks at the docks, long conversations about life, and random things, as well as the hugs and kisses that kept me warm all through the night. A day didn't go by where you didn't manage to put a smile on my face, make me laugh, and make me feel so wanted, needed and loved that nothing could bring me down. I knew I was in love, I knew you loved me, and NOTHING could bring me down...
But as I have grown older, and the further on we get in this relationship of ours, I have realized that the one person who brought you up is also the only one most capable of bringing you down, and that is exactly what you did.
Our first year was fantastic. It was a fairytale...My very own fairytale that I thought would never end. But then things changed. To this day I believe things changed because I gave something to you that I had never given to another man before, something that I will never get back, and something that I honestly don't regret having given to you...I'm glad you were the first. But I realize now, that once that was attained, the thrill for you was gone... No more good mornings texts, no more calls at random times throughout the day, just to say hi because you were missing me. No more surprise visits at my work, that put a smile on my face like a big idiot and helped me survive the remaining hours of my shift...all of the things that had once made me so happy were gone. All that was left was you...me...and all the memories I had of how things used to be.
When I tried talking to you, telling you I wasn't happy, explaining to you that we weren't the way we used to be and that I wanted us to go back, you got angry with me, yelled at me telling me you had no idea what I was talking about, that things were perfectly fine. But they weren't.
I stopped receiving those good morning texts. That may have seemed like such a minor thing to you...but to me, it meant the world to wake up every single morning, knowing that my baby was already up and at work and had taken the timem to think of me and send a quick note. The phone calls stopped as well, the only time I received one was when absolutely necessary...but I no longer recieved calls from you just because....because you missed me...because you wanted to hear my voice....because you wanted to know how my day was going....all that was gone.
When I tried to talk to you about it, you told me that time changes people, that we have matured and don't have as much time to text or call each other because of work, family, friends etc. But I never agreed with that, not then and not now. If you care about somebody you don't want to go a day without at least hearing there voice, knowing that they are ok and happy. You didn't care about my happiness or my wellbeing. It was all about you.
We started fighting more and more. Our fights would last several days, we would make up, agree to forget about whatever it was we were fighting about(normally your lack of desire to speak with me), be alright for a day or two and then fall into another fight, usually over the same exact thing. Things never really changed...although we both made promises, but they were promises we never kept.
What hurt me the most, and what still hurts to this day is that you never listened to me. When i tried explaining how much pain I was in because you had become a stranger, you would get angry at me, saying it's my fault because i say stupid shit that makes you mad...but I never said stupid things to you. I just told you my feelings, which you yourself decided to label as stupid. I have never been able to forgive you for that. You made me feel worthless, like what I wanted and what I needed didn't matter. And I became content with that..
I stopped arguing with you. Stopped telling you that I was hurting. Stopped trying to change things and make things better so we could both be happy. Instead, I ended up changing myself so that YOU would be happy, and I hate myself for that. I was never the kind of girl who relied upon someone else, whose life revolved around another person to the point where there was no life without that person...but I became that girl with you. You would be too "busy" to talk most days, I would just sit patiently and wait. You would never take me out anywhere that might maybe, just maybe, take a few bucks out of that precious wallet of yours...I just reminded myself that it didn't matter where we were and what we were doing as long as we were together.
I loved you to the point where I stopped caring about everything else in my life. My job, my family, my friends, my education, it all took a backseat to you...you were my main priority, you were my love. But to you I was nothing. It saddens me to thing of the person I became those years. I let myself become someone to be walked on, used, discarded, then called back again as the need arises. I became your doormat, I became the dirt upon which you walked, and I can't blame you for all of it because I let that happen. Instead of saying "enough is enough" and walking away before I became this pathetic pitiful loser, I stayed, and continued loving you and giving you my all while getting nothing in return.
I'm sad to say that I am still here. Still with you. Still loving you with every fiber of my being while you act almost like a complete stranger to me. I have asked you numerous times if you want to break up. I have told you that I feel you're already gone and just wish you would tell me so I could be gone too. But you tell me that of course you want to be with me, that you don't understand what my problem is. Everytime I attempt to tell you how lost I am, how far gone I am, you push my feelings aside, discard them as though they mean nothing. And maybe you are right, maybe my feelings don't matter, maybe i'm just a stupid girl who fell in love with your smile and brown eyes, and stupidly believed all the lies you had fed her from the start.
All I know is that I need to leave. But everytime I try, everytime I tell you I am leaving, you find a way to get me to stay. Guilt me into staying, make me regret the decision that I had been so completely confident in just five minutes ago. True be told, I don't think I will ever be able to leave you. No matter how messed up our relationship is. No matter how sick it makes me, both physically and emotionally. No matter how much life it drains out of me and how unhappy it makes me, I love you more then anything and until you decide to set me free, I am yours whether I like it or not.
It kills me to know, that I am not my own anymore.
I am a prisoner.
You have taken my heart captive, and delight in that every day.
You won, Congratulations.
N.
I'm going to tell you everything here that I have been to afraid to tell you to your face, in the last two years we've been seeing each other. Things started out so wonderfully, we met, exchanged email addresses, slowly got to know each other and quickly fell in love. Then came the dates, late night walks at the docks, long conversations about life, and random things, as well as the hugs and kisses that kept me warm all through the night. A day didn't go by where you didn't manage to put a smile on my face, make me laugh, and make me feel so wanted, needed and loved that nothing could bring me down. I knew I was in love, I knew you loved me, and NOTHING could bring me down...
But as I have grown older, and the further on we get in this relationship of ours, I have realized that the one person who brought you up is also the only one most capable of bringing you down, and that is exactly what you did.
Our first year was fantastic. It was a fairytale...My very own fairytale that I thought would never end. But then things changed. To this day I believe things changed because I gave something to you that I had never given to another man before, something that I will never get back, and something that I honestly don't regret having given to you...I'm glad you were the first. But I realize now, that once that was attained, the thrill for you was gone... No more good mornings texts, no more calls at random times throughout the day, just to say hi because you were missing me. No more surprise visits at my work, that put a smile on my face like a big idiot and helped me survive the remaining hours of my shift...all of the things that had once made me so happy were gone. All that was left was you...me...and all the memories I had of how things used to be.
When I tried talking to you, telling you I wasn't happy, explaining to you that we weren't the way we used to be and that I wanted us to go back, you got angry with me, yelled at me telling me you had no idea what I was talking about, that things were perfectly fine. But they weren't.
I stopped receiving those good morning texts. That may have seemed like such a minor thing to you...but to me, it meant the world to wake up every single morning, knowing that my baby was already up and at work and had taken the timem to think of me and send a quick note. The phone calls stopped as well, the only time I received one was when absolutely necessary...but I no longer recieved calls from you just because....because you missed me...because you wanted to hear my voice....because you wanted to know how my day was going....all that was gone.
When I tried to talk to you about it, you told me that time changes people, that we have matured and don't have as much time to text or call each other because of work, family, friends etc. But I never agreed with that, not then and not now. If you care about somebody you don't want to go a day without at least hearing there voice, knowing that they are ok and happy. You didn't care about my happiness or my wellbeing. It was all about you.
We started fighting more and more. Our fights would last several days, we would make up, agree to forget about whatever it was we were fighting about(normally your lack of desire to speak with me), be alright for a day or two and then fall into another fight, usually over the same exact thing. Things never really changed...although we both made promises, but they were promises we never kept.
What hurt me the most, and what still hurts to this day is that you never listened to me. When i tried explaining how much pain I was in because you had become a stranger, you would get angry at me, saying it's my fault because i say stupid shit that makes you mad...but I never said stupid things to you. I just told you my feelings, which you yourself decided to label as stupid. I have never been able to forgive you for that. You made me feel worthless, like what I wanted and what I needed didn't matter. And I became content with that..
I stopped arguing with you. Stopped telling you that I was hurting. Stopped trying to change things and make things better so we could both be happy. Instead, I ended up changing myself so that YOU would be happy, and I hate myself for that. I was never the kind of girl who relied upon someone else, whose life revolved around another person to the point where there was no life without that person...but I became that girl with you. You would be too "busy" to talk most days, I would just sit patiently and wait. You would never take me out anywhere that might maybe, just maybe, take a few bucks out of that precious wallet of yours...I just reminded myself that it didn't matter where we were and what we were doing as long as we were together.
I loved you to the point where I stopped caring about everything else in my life. My job, my family, my friends, my education, it all took a backseat to you...you were my main priority, you were my love. But to you I was nothing. It saddens me to thing of the person I became those years. I let myself become someone to be walked on, used, discarded, then called back again as the need arises. I became your doormat, I became the dirt upon which you walked, and I can't blame you for all of it because I let that happen. Instead of saying "enough is enough" and walking away before I became this pathetic pitiful loser, I stayed, and continued loving you and giving you my all while getting nothing in return.
I'm sad to say that I am still here. Still with you. Still loving you with every fiber of my being while you act almost like a complete stranger to me. I have asked you numerous times if you want to break up. I have told you that I feel you're already gone and just wish you would tell me so I could be gone too. But you tell me that of course you want to be with me, that you don't understand what my problem is. Everytime I attempt to tell you how lost I am, how far gone I am, you push my feelings aside, discard them as though they mean nothing. And maybe you are right, maybe my feelings don't matter, maybe i'm just a stupid girl who fell in love with your smile and brown eyes, and stupidly believed all the lies you had fed her from the start.
All I know is that I need to leave. But everytime I try, everytime I tell you I am leaving, you find a way to get me to stay. Guilt me into staying, make me regret the decision that I had been so completely confident in just five minutes ago. True be told, I don't think I will ever be able to leave you. No matter how messed up our relationship is. No matter how sick it makes me, both physically and emotionally. No matter how much life it drains out of me and how unhappy it makes me, I love you more then anything and until you decide to set me free, I am yours whether I like it or not.
It kills me to know, that I am not my own anymore.
I am a prisoner.
You have taken my heart captive, and delight in that every day.
You won, Congratulations.
N.
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