Hate

I hate myself for trusting you. I hate myself for loving you. I hate myself for believing all the lies you told me. I hate myself for being so hurt because of you. I hate you for making me this way. Love comes around only once in a lifetime, and I wasted all my love on you. The way I loved you, the way I gave myself to you, I will never be able to do it again. I gave you my all, and you trampled on me, left me for dead and just walked away. I hate you. The things that are now in my past kill me. Remembering all the things we went through together, all the promises you made and never kept, everytime I think about it, it's like i'm dying again. And you don't even care. You left. You're gone. You're not coming back. And the truth of the matter is, even though you said you loved me, said you cared and that you would always be there for me, you never really cared. To you it was just a game, to see if you could get what you wanted. And you got it. Now you're gone. And I realize that reminicsing and remembering all the things of the past are only making it more painful, but it's not something I can stop. We have been every in this town together, we have talked about everything there is to talk about with each other, and every single thing around me, everything I see, everything I hear, everything I smell and everything I touch reminds me of you. Try as hard as I may, your not going away from my memory. You were my first love, and you will be my last. To trust again after being hurt so deeply and so roughly, is impossible. To ever think that another human being might possibly be telling me the truth is something will never again let myself do. Thanks to you, everyone around me, be it friend or foe, is a liar in my eyes. Nobody to trust. Nobody to turn to. It's just me, on my own. All I want is to be alone. To be able to cry without having to explain myself, be able to scream without people thinking I am insane, to be able to just let out all this pain on the inside. But that is not something I can do. There are to many people around, watching, listening, waiting. My life is not my own. My life is everybody's but my own. I don't do what I want or what I need, I do what is expected or required. I hate this life. I hate this world. I hate you.

Emo?

I have never understood emo people. Those that listen to rock music on their ipod, wear all black plus make-up, get durnk and high every chance they get and cut themselves to feel something. Now I realize that until you get your heart broken so severely that it will never be able to heal again, it's impossible to understand these people. I have been one of the mean ones that looks at them and thinks about how stupid they are and how ridiculous it is that they do that just because they are sad about who knows what. But after having my heart broken by the person that i trusted, the person that I made my everything and gave all of myself to, then I realized I am just like them...I am Emo. This does not mean emo people are depressed, or bipolar, or messed up. It just means that something happened in their lives that caused them to look at things differently, to trust people less, and to realize that in this life they can only rely on themselves. Now I am coming to understand more and more the things i once found strange and stupid. For example, the loud rock music on your Ipod. What's so appealing about? Well jst the fact that if you put it on loud enough and unplug yourself from the world well enough, it's quite possible to forget about everything that's causing you pain, everything that is hurting you and leaving scars. It's also a way for you to avoid speaking to the annoying nagging people that you have no choice but to deal with on a daily basis. At least with your headphones on, and blasting up loud enough for them to hear, they may hopefully, eventually take the hint that you don't want to talk, and leave you alone. And as a person who has been hurt, made a fool of, and scarred, all you want is just that...to be left alone.The next thing many people have a hard time understanding is the heavy, black makeup. Personally I don't understand that either. In my opinion if you're hurting and dying slowly inside, you don't want to wear black makeup, because then when you can't hold back the tears, black ink running down your face is really noticable, making it hard for you to be able to just let go and cry. But from another few point the black makeup is like a mask, putting on a face, something you're not, but something you pretend to be for the people around you so they can't see the real you. The lost, hurt, scared, and dying person on the inside, is hidden behind the black makeup and the bangs. Hidden away from all people, so noone ever finds out just how bad things are for you. Then there's the cutting. I have always thought people that cut themselves are ridiculous. Insane. Mentaly NOT OK. But now i've come to realize that maybe they got something smart going with it. When you have been hurt to the point where you just don't care about anything anymore...it's really scary. You come to realize that you don't care about anyone or anything, and that life is just flying by you and you can't seem to move to get anywhere. When you cut yourself, you feel pain, and for a split-second you know you're alive, because if you weren't you wouldn't be feeling the pain. The lasting affect of the cutting is also very appealing. Just as the thing that has made you this way, dead on the inside, has left you with scars all over your insides...the cuts you make also leaves scars, but they are on the outside. These serve as reminders to never make the same mistakes again. To never trust. To never love. To never give yourself to a person just to be stabbed in the back and walked all over by them. To never expect anything but the worst from all people, because that is what they always give you. These scars remind you that this life is an anarchy, each man for himself. And if you make the mistake of caring for someone more then yourself...you're screwing yourself over and setting yourself up for a life of pain and hurt. Most importantly to all of us sad people is the rain. Rain is our best friend. Walking in the rain, with our music blasting through our headphones, our minds as blank as we can possibly force it to become, and the tears streaming down our face. The only good thing about it? The rain hides the tears...so that just for a second we can let go and cry...without anyone knowing.

Good Day

Have you ever had a day where everything seems to have gone great? Don't you get really worried when that happens? When things seem to be going well, and everything seems to be workig out, that is when we tend to become very cautious and prepare ourselves for the bad luck that's about to hit. It's wrong of us to do this. When things are going right, why can't we just enjoy it, and make the best of it? Why must we always be negative and prepare ourselves ahead of time for the bad things that we KNOW are going to happen? What if they don't happen, and we are just preparing ourselves for something that isn't going to occur in our lives? What if we pass up an opportunity of a lifetime because we are waiting for the bad things in our lives to come crashing down on us? It is a human habit to always expect the worst. If its sunny today, that means tomorrow is going to be pouring down rain. Is that right? No. But do most of us think like that? Yes. What we need to realize is that, although our lives are like rollercoasters, and things do jump from good to bad in the blink of an eye, we don't need to sit around and wait for it to happen. When things are going horribly and you feel you have no purpose in life and things are just not right, then that would be time to remember about the rollercoaster your life is, and to realize that eventually you will be back at the top with something to live for, and with a smile on your face. But if your life is going great...then why dwell on the possibility that eventually things are going to be bad again? Why sit around and wait for things to go wrong? Instead, we need to learn to enjoy the ups when we have them. To bask in those happy moments when everything is going right and we have nothing to worry about. Yea, it's not going to last forever, but if you enjoy it and make the best of it, then you won't have anything to regret when your walk in this life is through. Life is about dancing in the rain right? That means you need to enjoy the good times, and try to make the best of the bad times. In the end, nobody gets out of this life alive, what's important is how well you live it, how much you enjoy it, and how much joy you bring to yourself and to those around you.

~Nalie~

Life and it's sense of Humor

Anybody living in this life, has to be in it with a sense of humor. If you don't have one of those, you're not going to survive! Many things will be thrown at us in life, both good and bad. One day you'll wake up and and things will start off completely wrong. You'll oversleep, be late for work, spill coffee on yourself, but end up meeting an old friend while cleaning up in the bathroom and having an amazing chat with that friend over lunch that completely makes your day. Another time, you'll wake up on time with the sun shining in through your window, thinking its going to be the best day you've had in a long time, to find a voice-mail from your boyfriend saying he's breaking up with you, or one from your boss saying your fired. If we can't learn to deal with the things we are dealt with in our lives, we're going to have a hard time surviving. As has been said many times, life is a rollercoaster. One minute you're up way high up at the top...the next minute you come crashing down...HARD. All you can do is deal with the blows as they come, appreciate the good times when you're lucky enough to experience them, and never, ever, give up. At this moment, right now, today, life may seem hopeless. Maybe you've screwed up bigtime, made some big mistakes and are now suffering the consequences of those mistakes. Or maybe you haven't really done anything that you regret, but you're life is just not what you wanted it to be when you used to dream about what you would be when you grew up. Whatever the problem, whatever the thing that has disappointed you, be it a person or something you don't have that you wish you had, it's all a part of life. If you are in a relationship with a person and it's not working out, just remember that there's a reason for it. Maybe you need to go through this bad relationship so that you can someday cherish and thank God everyday or the good relationship you're going to recieve. Or maybe you've been wanting and asking God for children for many, many years, and yet you still haven't been blessed with that amazing little gift from heaven. That doesn't mean its still not going to happen in the future...but even if it doesn't, don't be too sad. There's a reason for it not happening. Maybe you are meant to make a difference in many lives, and having those children are just not in the works for you because you are going to help rescue the children that are already on this planet who have nowhere to go. Or maybe someday you will be blessed with a little bundle of joy, and because of all the trials you went through before you received it, you will never take it for granted. Maybe you are lost right now and don't know where to go and what to do in your life. I know I am. I don't know who to try to please, because everyone around has a different opinion. Pleasing everyone is impossible, and i've learned that first and foremost you need to make sure that you are pleased with what you are and what you're doing with your life. If all you work on is keeping others happy, never focusing on your own needs and desires, you will never be able to handle the things that are thrown at you in life. But if you do what you want to, what your heart desires, even if everywhere around you there are people telling you that you shouldn't do it, that it's not what people in your culture, family or religion do, then when you are faced with these trials that life likes to throw at us, you will be able to stand tall and fight it. Because you will have something worth fighting for. Something you choose to fight for becasue you chose to do whatever you're doing with your life, you wanted that life, so you're fighting for it. Taking each day as it comes, no matter how good or bad a day it may be. So even if life isn't working out exactly the way you wanted it to work out, don't give up. Just because it's not going the way you wanted it to go, doesn't mean its not going to go right, doesn't mean that at the end of the road, when you're taking your last breath, you're going to regret your entire life and everything that happened in it. What's going on in your life now, is what you need. Whether it be a breakup, a loss in your family, or other tough things we have to deal with everyday, it's going to make you stronger, wiser, and more likely to succeed in the long-run. The more you stand back up when you get knocked down, the stronger you will get, and eventually you won't fall anymore...and everything will work out. Sometimes, you have to stop relying on others around you, because they are only going to disappoint you in the end, when you need them most. Realize that you are all you need to survive. And no matter how bad today was, tomorrow is a new day. You'll either get up and have another chance to make things good in your life, or die and not have to work on it anymore. Win-win situation! :)

~Nalie~